Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
