Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
