I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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