There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
