my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize