I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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