I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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