you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
