new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
