Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
one might say we're banned from that church
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
