my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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