I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
