after a month anything with tits is on the radar
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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