My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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