It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
