I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
