Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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