i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
