I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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