wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We left an ass print on the piano.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
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