i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's not a walk of shame if you run
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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