i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
