You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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