She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize