If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
