Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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