Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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