you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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