Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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