if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
