I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Houston, we have a blender
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
