Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He better not be in your backpack
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
