I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
