I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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