Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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