ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I smell like Dick and happiness
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
