I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Randomize
