I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
