Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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