Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
