chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
