I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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