If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
