You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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