guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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