Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
