can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
