There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Boobs speak an international language.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
