i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
