i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
