we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
A bitchslap is in order.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
