She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
