That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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