When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
