Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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