Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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