You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
