this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
